Sunday, July 1, 2007

Endless Summer



Sometime between 11:00 and noon: I wake up and walk Jackson and Chesme, the two adolescent, fully-grown large-breed dogs I now live with in this cramped one-bedroom apartment. No time for me to empty my aching bladder. I can't get up at night to use the bathroom, or else Jackson will cry and howl in his crate. "Geez, I'll be back in a minute..." I say to him. He doesn't understand; he drools, whines, and chews at the wires on his crate until I return, waking up the whole neighborhood. He's lived in a shelter his whole life and fears being left alone in a metal cage, even for a minute. He isn't house-trained either, and the second I let him out of the crate, if I don't walk him immediately, he'll piss all over the floor.

Fifteen minutes later: I return to apartment #36, and grab a couple more black plastic bags marked Dogipot from the dispenser and throw the bag of dog feces in the specially-marked trash can.

1pm: I take a shower, making sure to lock Jackson in his crate, and blocking Chesme from the kitchen with a makeshift divider so she can't chew up anything while my back is turned. Chesme already chewed up my eyeglasses, and now everything looks out of focus. San Diego is a blurry paradise, thanks to these dogs. "I can't say I didn't warn ya," my sister Sarah says on the phone. "Books, DVDs, anything she can get she'll chew up if you aren't careful. She won't do it when you're around, but when you leave, she will. She's so cute, she 'my Princess!" Sarah says on the phone.

1:20: I get out of the shower, and change clothes. I check to make sure Chesme hasn't chewed up anything I forgot to keep from her, then clean up Chesme's poop on the patio. "It's OK if she pees and poops out here. She doesn't poop outside, just here, so we put some newspapers down. Make sure you change the papers each day," says Sarah again. Then I let Jackson out of the crate and take him for a quick walk to relieve himself, but instead he's too distracted by all the new smells and dogs playing in the park, and tugs constantly at his leash. I get frustrated, and bring him back home after he's marked a few spots. Minutes later, I watch him piss all over the carpet and scream, "I just let you out ten minutes ago!"

1:30: I check my email and look on craigslist.org for a job. No corporate gigs. Preferably something that allows me to express myself. A high-paying entry-level writing gig would sure be nice. Screw the required published 'clips' each employer demands. I don't need to prove I can write. Right?

2:00: I take the dogs to the nearby dog park. I take them off their leash, only to separate the incorrigible pups from the poor dogs and their owners foolish enough to be at the dog park at the same time as these uncontrollable canines, before blood is drawn. "Oh, their just playing. They're so friendly, aren't they?" Sarah says, before she left us alone with these dogs to go be a counselor at a Christian camp in the nearby mountains for the summer.

2:30: Holly's always home, so I let the dogs off the leash and let them try to kill each other, or "play," as Sarah calls it, while Holly reads a book on the couch. "Stop it. No really, stop killing each other. No...Stop." Holly says listlessly, not looking up from her latest Chuck Palahniuk novel. I change into swimming trunks, and go to the pool near the front office. I read for an hour and work on my farmer tan, which usually results in a painful blotchy sunburn. Then I swim ten laps (on a good day), bob up and down in the water, do a few water aerobics, sit in the hot tub for five to ten minutes, and finally do an hour of writing.

6:00: I come home to Holly taking a nap, or still reading her book. I take the dogs for a walk, after asking Holly how many accidents the dogs had and how many times she walked them. "Yeah, I walked 'em once but then Jackson peed on the carpet when I got back. Jackson, you're such an asshole." Asshole, that's Holly's nickname for Jackson. She's right, but I should probably buy her a thesaurus.

6:30: I eat dinner, feed the dogs, and take them out for another unproductive walk.

7:00: Returning home, I discover Chesme chewed up something else she wasn't supposed to, and step in wet dog piss on the carpet.

7-11:00: I browse the web, think about posting to my blog, or go back to the pool. Or, if I'm really bored, watch one of the two stations on TV Sarah gets via the old-fashioned rabbit ears.

11:00-?: I look at craigslist.org for free stuff and a cheap, one bedroom apartment before going to sleep, some time after midnight.

This has been my life, for the past couple of weeks. I still don't have a job, and I used up all my money I earned before moving out here for rent, so tomorrow I'll have to find a job. I just don't want to work, and live here in southern California and appreciate "Endless Summer" and write. I guess, at the least, a job will get me out of the house and away from Holly and the hounds. I'm not a famous writer yet, so I need a day job. Wish me luck. I think I'll need it to stay sane, until Sarah and her husband return from camp at the end of summer to resume taking care of the dogs. Whenever that may be. It seems like summer here never ends...

Peace.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

I won't be posting for a while...

I'm at the library, on the 15-minute Email Express machine, and I have less than five minutes before I have to give up my spot to the long-haired crazy guy eyeing me. My internet and cable are shut off, since I haven't paid my bills since buying my plane tickets to San Diego, so I have to rely on the free internet available at the library.

Long story short, I probably won't update this blog until after June 13, the day I fly to San Diego to start my new career as a writer. Just to let you know.

Ok, the guy is hovering over my left shoulder. I should probably sign out now...

Peace.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Going to California

Sorry I haven't written in a while. I've been busy daydreaming about California. Today I turned in my letter of resignation, and effective June 13, I'll be living in San Diego (La Jolla, to be exact) for at least the next three months to house-sit my youngest sister and her husbands' place while they do some missionary work at some camp somewhere.

I hope the move is permanent, since I've lived in Iowa my whole life. I'm anxious to see a different world, to live in paradise, the "Beverly Hills of San Diego," according to a new gal at work who just transferred from Oceanside. I'm going through the contents of my apartment right now, trying to see what I want to take with me on the plane. Right now I wish I had an ipod and a laptop; that's all I need, is my music and my writing. All I want to take with me are a weeks worth of clothes--no need for my sweaters, hats, winter coats, and mittens anymore--and the contents of my hard drive, my digital camera, and voice recorder. That's all I need to start a new life in California. Everything else in my apartment, my couch, my tv, my dvd's, mean nothing to me, and can all be purchased again someday. I'm trying to think of a way I can ship my box of old writing from my childhood media mail to my new place. I originally thought I'd put everything in storage until I found my own place in California, but I want to sever all ties to Iowa right now and make a fresh start.

I'm excited to meet an entirely new group of people who have no knowledge, no stereotype of who this "Jonathan Nauman" guy is supposed to be. I'm anxious to try something new. I don't want to have to play the stupid kid from Iowa anymore so I don't get beaten up. I want to live up to my full potential. To find other smart people who understand me. I want to go somewhere where my intelligence is an asset, not a liability. "This is our chance to reinvent ourselves," I say to my younger sister Holly who is coming with me for support while I find my new life in California. "This is our time to be who we really are. I've changed tremendously this last year working as a line cook--I've broken out of my shell. Goodbye Norma Jean, hello Marilyn Monroe. This is the new Lisa Simpson. You can be anything you want--anything!" I tell her.

I want to eventually move to LA and become a staff writer on some comedy show. I don't care which one. And then maybe if my ideas are as good as I think, I can write my own screenplays and pilots based on my life. The way I see it right now, I'll start out in an improv group and do open-mic stand-up nights like my mentors and heroes, Bob Odenkirk and David Cross, from my favorite show of all time, Mr. Show. I'll try to find an agent who understands my point of view, and who can best represent me, who will put me in touch with whoever I need to speak with to land a job as a staff writer. Then, after I get the staff writer job, and meet some new people who will help me script some pilots based on the ideas inside my head, if they're good enough.

When I go to California, I'm going to overhaul everything on this site. It'll be about me trying to make a name formyself in California as a comedy writer. This is going to take some time. Definitely more than three months to get famous enough to make a living, and probably more like five years or so to make enough of a name for myself in Hollywood to quit my day job. So I'll have to get a real job in La Jolla. I've already talked to management at work about transferring to the San Diego restaurant. But I don't want to be a line cook at a corporate seafood restaurant anymore, especially since San Diego is so close to the ocean. I'm sure La Jolla has some 'real' seafood restaurants that would be willing to take on an apprentice cook. I just hope my lack of culinary training doesn't stop me...

This is all I can say right now. I've written several versions, several first drafts, about me moving to California. My life is going through tremendous changes right now. I'm both scared and anxious, but mostly excited at the promise of starting a new life in San Diego. My biggest fear is that I don't apply myself, I don't at least try to live out my dreams. My fear is that I don't try any open-mic nights and end up moving back to Iowa. But Holly assures me she won't let that happen. "I've realized why I'm going with you," she says, as if she's seen the light, as if she has had some sudden realization from God, sitting and drinking at Old Chicago here in Coralville, Iowa, our favorite bar. "I'm going with you to make sure you don't fail. To make sure you don't just sit on the couch and drink beer. That you at least try. My home is here in Iowa, but I'll stay with you as long as it takes, I'll work as a server at some fancy restaurant, but you HAVE to do your stand-up. You have to try. I believe in you." And that is all I ever needed to hear. I'm going to pack my bags. I'm moving to California.

Peace.

Currently Listening to:
Led Zepplin
"Going to California"
Led Zepplin IV, 1971

Going to California

Spent my days with a woman unkind,
Smoked my stuff and drank all my wine.
Made up my mind to make a new start,
Going to california with an aching in my heart.
Someone told me theres a girl out there
With love in her eyes and flowers in her hair.
Took my chances on a big jet plane,
Never let them tell you that theyre all the same.
The sea was red and the sky was grey,
Wondered how tomorrow could ever follow today.
The mountains and the canyons started to tremble and shake
As the children of the sun began to awake.
Seems that the wrath of the gods
Got a punch on the nose and it started to flow;
I think I might be sinking.
Throw me a line if I reach it in time
Ill meet you up there where the path
Runs straight and high.
To find a queen without a king;
They say she plays guitar and cries and sings.
La la la la
Ride a white mare in the footsteps of dawn
Tryin to find a woman whos never, never, never been born.
Standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams,
Telling myself its not as hard, hard, hard as it seems.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Check out the new look!

I changed up things around here, since the Capri Lodge has got new management. I think now I'm finally able to tell my personal stories, minus the usual childish soap-box rantings. Things are gonna change around here, I can feel it. On Monday, I went morel hunting with Clint and Byron, and did some male bonding. I see Byron in a completely different light--he's a really great guy. I could write a book about what I learned from Clint and Byron, who taught me how to find morels, since it was my first time. Spring has finally sprung! I'm out to do some serious soul-searching, and dig around in the dirt for more fungi. Monday, I became a man.

Peace.

Currently listening to:
Billy Preston
"Nothin' from Nothin'"
The Kids and Me, 1974




Nothin' from Nothin'

Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin'
You gotta have somethin'
If you wanna be with me
Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin'
You gotta have somethin'
If you wanna be with me

I'm not tryin' to be your hero
'Cause that zero is too cold for me, brrr
I'm not tryin' to be your highness
'Cause that minus is too low to see, yeah

Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin'
And I'm not stuffin'
Believe you me
Don't you remember I told ya
I'm a soldier in the war on poverty, yeah
Yes, I am

[Instrumental Interlude]

Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin'
You gotta have somethin'
If you wanna be with me
Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin'
You gotta have somethin'
If you wanna be with me

You gotta have somethin'
If you wanna be with me
You gotta bring me somethin' girl
If you wanna be with me

Monday, April 9, 2007

Nash Equilibrium for restaurant management

I'm trying to work out the Nash equilibrium for the restaurant, and all restaurants, for that matter. But I'm not a mathematician; the highest math class I took was Calc II, and I don't remember much. I just know there must be a win-win-win-win situation, a Nash equilibrium, that allows the guests, managers, servers, and cooks to be happy.

It's like a dot-to-dot puzzle. I don't know the algorithm for connecting the dots, but I can tell the image is that of, say, a bunny. I don't know in real-life terms what needs to be done to reach a Nash equilibrium since I don't have enough formal education in game theory, but I have seen A Beautiful Mind several times. I'm tired and Wikipedia is looking like a bunch of dots to me right now, but I can see the image roughly forming in my mind's eye. It's slowly taking shape. Much like how John Nash sees formulas starting to form.

We need to seat fewer guests at a time. There is some magic number, some number relative to how many servers, cooks, open tables, and maybe some other variable that I can't see right now which determines how many guests we should seat at a time. Basically what I am saying is, we shouldn't seat everyone at once. We shouldn't go from being empty to being full during dinner, because it puts stress on everyone: managers, servers, and cooks, therefore making the guest suffer. There are only so many guests we can accommodate at a time before we max out our resources and ticket times skyrocket and people start to complain.

I'm sure a formula exists, and I wouldn't be surprised if the corporation knows it and puts it in their management training manuals. But it isn't being used, as far as I can see. Tomorrow I'll ask Petra how restaurant management works. I'll work on my Nash equilibrium. I'll post tickets on my wall and connect bits of yarn and string and find my own version of Nash's equilibrium. Then I will be able to explain to everyone working here what needs to be changed. Because, I'm learning, if I don't do it, nobody will.

I'm just one man trying to change what I can to make everyone happy. I like John Nash. I'm trying to find my original idea, no matter how long it takes me. I'm a writer, not a mathematician. It could be a while...I'll keep you posted.

Peace.

Saturday, March 31, 2007

KISS Me I'm Stupid!

KISS is short for keep it simple stupid, stupid.

I need to be more straightforward. More serious and to the point. Hone in on my message and make is so simple anyone can understand it, rather than rambling and jumping all over the place. I was thinking earlier that I'm a post-9/11 renaissance man: a jack-of-all-trades but master of none. In today's age of specialization, I could be left out because I simply am not great at any one thing. People want to be able to summarize other people in a paragraph or less. They want to say "ok, he's a racist plumber," "she's a black lawyer," "he's the artist who paints butts," "and so on. I don't want to be "the arrogant kid who thinks he knows everything and is better than everyone" anymore. (Mom--I'm growing up. YAY!)

I don't know what my epithet is. Am I really a self-loathing arrogant-asshole? [ed.--Or do I just play one on tv?] Who am I? Geez, I don't even know anymore. I can't say it in a paragraph or less, but I'm trying. I still can't do it now no matter how hard I try. That's why I'm trying to document the process on my blog in the hope that it might help someone someday, even if that person is just my future self. I'm getting exhausted writing all this. I'm internalizing way too much, becoming more introverted when I should be more extroverted. I'm thinking too much--I should get out and start doing. I need to talk to real people, not just myself.

And then one day I will wake up, and I'll be forty-seven, and I'll stumble on this blog thing I wrote when I was twenty-seven, and I'll have a mid-life crisis. I will re-read this craptastic blog, and have an epiphany that will change my life forever, and I will become the next David Sedaris. The serious writer writing about my generation that I know I can be. But I can't do it now. I'm still telling and not showing. I'm still trying to run before I've learned to crawl. I need to get out and learn the rules, I mean really learn them this time, before I start breaking them. God, I hate to say it, but I need more schoolin'.

Enough! I'll have no more of this talk of returning to school! I don't need no education! I'm not another brick in the wall! School forces you to narrow your mind, focus too much, until you develop tunnel-vision. You become a myopic nerd with glasses like me. Oh, wait........Ehh...I give up. I don't know what's what anymore. I don't know what's real. This writing thing is driving me crazy. I keep going around in circles...Let's see if this helps:

Some ground rules for my writing:
  1. No more parenthesis, semicolons, dashes, or brackets. Sentences must be simple. No more asides or editorial comments.
  2. Focus on one medium at a time. If I'm doing a writing piece, no photos, and vice versa. Let each medium speak for itself.
  3. Outline and plan a course of attack, don't just improvise. Figure out what you're trying to say first, and then find the best way to express it. Don't use the spaghetti method, and just throw a bunch of crap out there and hope it sticks.
  4. Write several drafts. Don't just assume what comes off the top of my head is pure gold.
  5. Don't trust my gut. If something sounds funny to me, it probably is just funny to me and no one else.
  6. Don't be afraid to be unoriginal. Appeal to the lowest common denominator by using cliches that everyone can understand, i.e. KISS. You want your message to reach the widest audience possible, not the narrowest.
  7. You are not special. Don't think you can break the rules just because you're different. You're not. You're a biological social entity just like everyone else.
  8. Bad art should not be mixed with good art under any circumstances. Either be good or bad, but not both at the same time. Avoid mixed messages.
  9. Bad art should not be confused with a personal style, or artistic voice just because it's the easy way out. It' s too hard for most people to know what's good bad, and bad bad. And good bad is almost impossible to do. You have to be bad, then good, then finally good bad, but only a select few reach that point. There are no shortcuts.
  10. Don't assume people know who you are or what you are talking about. Assume the only thing they will ever know about you is what words you write.
God, my rules are stupid. But I need them, for now so I can sleep. It's 3:28 am. I have to work a double tomorrow. Goodnight.

Peace.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

This Week on Best Week Ever: My Passions / Wednesday: Comedy

I think I'm going to try something new this week, something a little different. This week I am going to focus on my passions--what I love to do on my days off, and what I would be doing if I had a million dollars and never had to work again. I remember my guidance counselor in high school said to figure out what you want to do in life, just imagine what you would do if you had all the money and all the free time in the world. If you'd go fishing, then become a commercial fisherman. If you'd paint, become an house painter. If you'd drink beer, become a construction worker, and so on. Once I have found my passions, I am that much closer to growing up and landing a real job that will make me truly happy. And following your passions is the meaning of life, so I'm told. Here we go...

WEDNESDAY: COMEDY


You know what, forget this week-long blog thing I'm trying to do; it's a stupid premise. Who am I kidding?--I can't commit to anything seriously for one week. Yeah, yeah, yeah, start off with some triptych about your subject, then write six paragraphs or so on the topic du jour. Make it a double parody of Best Week Ever and Passions by exploring who I want to be. And try to make it real serious, like. But people won't get it no matter how hard I try. Not unless I screw the subtlety and bang them over the head with my ridiculous message. It's not their fault, but mine. I need to simplify my message for these post-modern times. Nothing lasts forever...

So all I have to say for today is go here. Right now. Words cannot describe the hilarity...the interchange between me and Dapkeo...the comment from Jim Gaffigan...the Weird Al music...I think I might have actually found my voice. On myspace. Who would have thought a platform for hooking up pedophiles with teenie-boppers could launch my career?! I sure as hell didn't. Oh, and sorry, Melody, for "cweeping" you out. I'm sure you're really a nice gal who's just obsessed with some guy from some comedy group that you don't really understand because you were once young like me...Give it ten years and you'll get it. You'll find your voice. Just quit spamming my inbox with stupid shit about what you did today!!! You aren't funny (just yet)!!! You're teenie-bopper friends might think you are, but I don't! Wait 'til your 27. Or 18. Eighteen is legal in Iowa....

(Tune in tomorrow for more Passions. Like any good soap, I'm gonna save the best stuff for Friday Wednesday...)



Peace.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

This Week on Best Week Ever: My Passions / Tuesday: Pleasure

I think I'm going to try something new this week, something a little different. This week I am going to focus on my passions--what I love to do on my days off, and what I would be doing if I had a million dollars and never had to work again. I remember my guidance counselor in high school said to figure out what you want to do in life, just imagine what you would do if you had all the money and all the free time in the world. If you'd go fishing, then become a commercial fisherman. If you'd paint, become an house painter. If you'd drink beer, become a construction worker, and so on. Once I have found my passions, I am that much closer to growing up and landing a real job that will make me truly happy. And following your passions is the meaning of life, so I'm told. Here we go...

TUESDAY: PLEASURE


I used to come home from work every day and follow the same ritual: take a long hot shower, smoke a bowl, take a couple shots of Jager, chug a few beers, eat half a large pepperoni Pizza from Papa Johns, pass out on my couch between three and four am, wake up at five am to puke, and then again at seven, then sleep until two in the afternoon. I got wasted every night. And I wonder why I gained over forty pounds after dropping out of college. The problem was I liked to feel good whenever I could. I was a party animal alone in my one bedroom apartment.

I felt like I was making up for lost time: I was raised by born-again Christian hippies, and was never allowed to watch MTV or do anything fun with friends because 'God was always watching.' Candy and soda were restricted for special occasions, and I couldn't even enjoy pop culture such as He-Man and Scooby Doo growing up because the cartoons dealt with 'the occult.' When Halloween came around, my mom wrote notes to my teacher excusing me from class, because Halloween was considered by my parents to be a 'celebration of the devil.' If we were allowed to go trick-or-treating, we could only dress up as two things: a clown or a princess. When my parents got divorced when I was thirteen, we stopped going to church and I met my new Muslim friend Moe. I thought of converting to Islam to fill the void left when we gave up Christianity, but I decided against it. In college, I gave up religion completely. I told myself 'God isn't watching me,' 'their is no such thing as the devil, or boogeyman' and the 'occult' is just stupid. [ed.--Though I have been reading up on Buddhist philosophy recently].

But when I turned 21 and dropped out of school, I was looking for something, anything to fill the void inside of me that had been formerly filled with a naive devotion to God as a child, and in school a devotion to being a good student. I wanted to please other people, but when I dropped out of college, I had spent so much time being good, I desperately wanted to please myself by being bad for once. I wanted to fill the void inside of me with alcohol, food, and weed. I wanted to break all the rules; I wanted to party. That's why I took mindless jobs that I hated like the ten months of hell I spent working at Taco John's were I met a couple of stoners named Wayne and James who introduced me to weed.

I had to do a lot of research online for myself to make sure that weed was safe [ed.-The jury is still out on that one, but I still think weed is no worse than alcohol--maybe even better because an overdose of weed won't kill you. But if you drive while stoned, you're an idiot. I don't need a research article to prove that.] before I took my first hit when I hung out with my Taco John's friends after work. I spent my first 'kegger' at Wayne's place getting drunk, high, and playing GTA until I passed out on his sofa. I woke up several times to puke in his bathroom, and promised myself I would never do that again. But I did. Several more times, in fact.

But just like video games, I can't do weed anymore; it's boring. It might not kill me, but it will keep me from growing up, much like the older members of the meaningless jobs I work at. I can't remember the last time I smoked weed. I don't know if I'll ever touch the stuff again. I used to think smoking would make me more creative, but the reality is now that I have learned the lessons I needed to learn from Mary Jane, and can silence the inner critic without getting high, I can quit weed with confidence. I don't need it anymore. Beer is a different story--it's more socially acceptable to drink. I'll continue to drink in moderation on occasion, but I won't drink until I puke every night like I used to.

Food is different. I still need to eat. And since I need food to survive, I can't exactly give it up completely. But I don't look to food to fill the void; I'm trying to eat less 'fun' meals full of healthy things like vegetables and minerals, not cheese and pepperoni. I don't just eat as much as I can whenever I can anymore, I eat what I need to be healthy. And that leads me to the lesson that I needed to learn in the first place--moderation and self-discipline. People would tell me that drugs are bad, that alcoholism is a deadly disease, and that being overweight is detrimental to your health, but I needed to learn how to cope with life on my own without turning to other substances. I thought I could escape my problems by binging and getting high at night, but when I sobered up in the morning, my problems were still there, plus a couple new ones: an empty wallet and a killer hangover.

I've cut back on my earthly pleasures. Now I only order Papa John's to celebrate a real success like making employee of the month at Red Lobster, not just getting out of bed. I'm trying to drink less than a twelve-pack a week. And I haven't touched weed in a long time, and I don't know if I ever will smoke again. I've learned my lessons. I've made up for lost time. Now it's time for me to be serious. Time to grow up. I can't just feed my immediate hedonistic desires and expect to feel good forever. I've learned this lesson, and it's time for me to be a mature adult now. It's time for me to kick my bad habits and find my real passions to fill the void. It's time for me to get high on life.


(Tune in tomorrow for more Passions. Like any good soap, I'm gonna save the best stuff for Friday...)


Peace.

Monday, March 26, 2007

This Week on Best Week Ever: My Passions / Monday: Vid-G-O Games

I think I'm going to try something new this week, something a little different. This week I am going to focus on my passions--what I love to do on my days off, and what I would be doing if I had a million dollars and never had to work again. I remember my guidance counselor in high school said to figure out what you want to do in life, just imagine what you would do if you had all the money and all the free time in the world. If you'd go fishing, then become a commercial fisherman. If you'd paint, become an house painter. If you'd drink beer, become a construction worker, and so on. Once I have found my passions, I am that much closer to growing up and landing a real job that will make me truly happy. And following your passions is the meaning of life, so I'm told. Here we go...

MONDAY: VID-G-O GAMES


I used to want to play video games all day. Every day. So I used to want to be a game tester, but then I found out I'd have to play just a small part of the game over and over again ad nauseum looking for bugs. I wouldn't get to play any full games, because they aren't finished testing them yet. Being a game tester would take all the fun out of playing video games in the first place, so that idea was out.

Then I thought I could be a game designer. But I don't really have any good ideas for games. I told Jeff at work that we should make a game based on being an Expo at Red Lobster. Kinda like the old-school Burgertime, only slightly better. You'd have to run around avoiding the servers who get in your way doing all the broiling, grilling, microwaving, and frying at first, but later on in the game once you'd completed enough tickets (and got enough bonus points for successful combos for getting all the food out at the same time, making the servers, guests, and managers happy), you could hire a broiler, assembler, and fry guy to help you out. But like all NPC's, the AI would be a little weak, and you would get messages on your screen such as "Your fry guy has wandered off," and "Your broiler has fallen asleep--kick him to wake him up." The goal would be to make as much money for Red Lobster as possible, and your character would get a small percentage of the profits (>.001%), just like in real life. But I don't have the slightest idea of how to make video games. Jeff does--he says he's moving to California in six months to start a career in the video game industry as an artistic director since he recently graduated with an art and film degree from the University of Iowa. But he didn't seem all that interested in the idea of producing the Red Lobster All-Stars video game with me, so that idea is out too.

When I got laid off from Copyworks, my first 'real' job after I dropped out of college, I played video games all the time because I was bored and had nothing better to do. Three months later, when I hadn't even started looking for a new job because I was too distracted killing people in my favorite video game of all time, Grand Theft Auto, I got a message from my landlord saying he would have to evict me for nonpayment of rent. So I decided to look for a job that day, and the first place I went to was two blocks away to Taco John's to get something to eat. After I placed my order, I asked for an application. "What the hell," I thought. "It can't hurt to apply here, just in case I can't find a better job today." I didn't expect the owner to come to my table mid-bite and ask me when I could start. I was so shocked, I didn't know what to say. I had a mouthful of food, and mumbled something incoherently. "Great! Come back here and we'll get you a uniform!" the owner said. The next ten months can only be described as Hell on earth as I learned the in's and out's of working in a fast food restaurant. One day I became so depressed and suicidal that I decided to walk out mid-shift before I did something stupid. I spent the next two months looking for a job and playing video games all over again.

Then I landed a job at HandiMart, a now defunct local gas station/convenience store chain in Iowa. I got to know almost every single person here in Coralville who stopped in to fill up their car or grab a soda on their way to work. I also learned that when people enter a gas station, they are hedonistically evil. They only care for feeding their immediate desire to be a good consumer and buy impulse items at ridiculously high prices. They could care less about the feelings of the clerk behind the counter, and when feeding their vices for smoking, drinking, gambling, eating junk food, etc. are content to take out their grievances with their life on the clerk on the other side of the counter. "These cigarettes are too expensive!" "I don't want ethanol gas--I heard it rots your engine!" "It's too hot outside!" "This soda is too cold!" "I want to turn in these dirty cans so I can buy a lottery ticket!" are all conversations I imagined pedestrians from HandiMart saying in Grand Theft Auto as I ran them over in my car. So I quit HandiMart and again spent a couple months playing video games and looking for a new job--this time one that didn't involve working directly with the public. I wanted to be hidden in a back room somewhere doing menial tasks, not out front making small talk with people as I rang them up just so I could hear them bitch about their lives.

I currently work as a line cook at Red Lobster, and will be training to Expo once Jeff leaves for California to develop video games. On my days off I don't play video games that much anymore. I'm usually too busy with my new hobby blogging my life for all to see. I'm happier now when I get off of work, and even on the busiest days I go home I don't hate people. As a line cook the worst I ever have to deal with is servers screaming in the window for their food. But since I see these servers every day and have formed casual relationships with them, I don't mind the screaming as much as if it came from a stranger. I understand their frustration. Servers are on my side. We're fighting a losing battle against the increasingly frustrating consumers whining for their food. I often feel like we're feeding mindless consumers, human cattle, working at Red Lobster. But it's ok, I don't have to ever see these fat cows. I don't have to imagine them as I run over pedestrians playing Grand Theft Auto anymore. I bought the new GTA: Vice City Stories for my PS2 for $20 a few weeks ago when it came out, but I hardly ever play it. I'm happier now, and the cynical side of me is melting away now that I'm growing up. I'm realizing once you get to know people, they aren't that bad.

So now I'm trying to figure out what else to do with my life. Video games are out, now that I'm maturing. They're too distracting and can take up too much time if I'm not careful. It's easy to have no life and play video games all day to forget your problems, but I don't want to do that any more. I want to find my real passions and live a real life, not a virtual one trapped inside some video game killing people.

(Tune in tomorrow for more Passions. Like any good soap, I'm gonna save the best stuff for Friday...)


Peace.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Mauschwitz


First semester of college, I was a biochemistry major. I wanted to study neuroscience and find a cure for Alzheimer’s, so midway through the semester I thought I should sign up for a work study program working in a real lab to better my resume. So I attended a Job Fair at the Student Union in mid-fall and met a man named Ron Hrstka who told me about his lab at the Gene Targeting Core Facility (GTCF). The GTCF “provides technical and research services to investigators on the University of Iowa campus and elsewhere for the generation of gene knockout mouse models,” Ron told me. “Hmm…Lab Assistant at the Gene Targeting Core Facility, wow, that would look great on my resume,” I thought, so I went ahead and signed up that night.

I got a call from Ron the next day, and I started the following week at five thirty in the morning. Ron told me that I wouldn’t be working in a normal lab, with beakers and test tubes, per se, but rather in the ‘mouse colony,’ which housed over ten thousand mice. Since I had a copper-hooded pet rat named Copernicus as a teenager, I thought working with mice would be a similar pleasure. I would be responsible for feeding, or ‘grueling’ the mice in the morning, and then once the mice were fed, I would help Ron’s assistant in the mouse colony enter data about the mouse litters into a computer.

For starters, mice are separated into cages according to litter and marked soon after they are weaned. A hole punch is used to gouge a small semi-circular hole in the ear of the mouse according to their assigned number. No punch is number one. Upper right ear, number two. Lower right, three. Upper left, four. And finally, lower left five. If the litter is exceptionally large, a combination of ear-punches and toe-clipping is used. Toe-clipping involves completely removing one of the fingers of the mouse’s paw, and in this way a large number of mice can be accounted for. This was necessary since the particular lab I worked in housed approximately ten thousand mice, separated into cages of five. A labyrinthine system of hallways connected each room.

Before you entered a room in the mouse colony, you had to first enter a small 10x10 foot room in which you washed your hands up to the elbows, donned an aqua-blue surgical mask, hairnet, apron, surgical gloves and booties. I felt like a real neurosurgeon scrubbing up getting ready to enter the ER. Before you touched the doorknob to open the door, you had to use the spray bottle of alcohol on your gloved hands, and before you could step into the room you had to spray the bottom of your booties. Inside each room housed the mice, five or six rows of cages with five or six levels each, and an examination table, or ‘hood’ where the cages were brought to feed and examine the mice. The hood was about waist-level, and was encased in Plexiglas and had a vent over it suck out the possibly contaminated air, and had another Plexiglas door at the front. I was told in the unlikely event that any mice escaped from the hood while being examined, I was required to stomp on them so they couldn't get out and contaminate the other mice. This would be difficult for a fugitive mouse to do, since the door of the hood was six inches higher than the floor, and the lowest level of cages was two feet off the ground. Also, a five millimeter gap separated the door from the floor, so escape into the other labyrinthine labs was nearly impossible.

The mice came in two colors: white and black. If the gene knockout was successful, the mouse was white with black spots. If it wasn’t the mouse was all black. Black mice were of no use to the researchers and were killed. My job on Fridays was to dispose of the mice. The workers who cleaned the cages in the mornings before I arrived would separate the black mice and put them in a cage in the main office of the lab. Wearing the usual clothes I wore to class, sans surgical gear, I covered the cage with an aqua-blue surgical apron and walked a couple blocks to the medical lab that housed the gas chamber. Since the mice were going to be killed anyway, it didn’t matter that they might get contaminated by their first venture into the outside world; the cage was covered so not to upset the other students in the Med Labs. The gas chamber was a small lab that resembled a doctor’s office, outfitted with several large tanks of CO2, similar to the helium tanks used to inflate balloons for a child’s party. Next came the hardest part of the job. I had to dump the mice in the cage—the black mice who were no use to the lab, along with breeder mice that had gotten too old to reproduce—into a white five-gallon bucket lined with a blue plastic bag marked “Hazardous Materials.” A lid with a two-inch hole in the center was firmly placed on top, and a hose running from the carbon dioxide tank was placed securely in the hole.

Once I was sure the seal was airtight, I turned the nozzle of the tank and counted to thirty. One-Mississippi…two-Mississippi…three-Mississippi…rattle-rattle-in the bucket…four-Mississippi…squeak-squeak in the bucket……ten-Mississippi…rattle-rattle-in the bucket……twenty-Mississippi…silence in the bucket……thirty-Mississippi. Then I carefully opened the bucket away from my face, and backed away for another thirty seconds so I wouldn’t inhale the escaping vapors. The smell inside the bucket was a nauseating mix of mouse urine and feces. I was required to shake the bucket, and if there was any movement, repeat the gassing process as many times as necessary. I remember one breeder mouse that looked a lot like Copernicus took three gassings to finish off.

Once I was satisfied that all the mice were dead, I knotted up the blue plastic bag like a common bag of trash and walked it back to the lab. There I tossed it into a special freezer reserved for mouse carcasses. I never found out what happened to the mice after that.

***
Sometimes I dreamed of rescuing the poor little mice. After all, the mouse colony staff didn’t care what happened to them once their usefulness ran out. I thought of freeing the mice somewhere in the woods, since the University of Iowa Hospitals are located adjacent to a wooded area, but figured the poor, simple city mice wouldn’t know how to fend for themselves. They had become accustomed to a daily regiment of brown gruel, and wouldn’t know how to forage for food in the wilderness. Born a lab mouse, die a lab mouse. I considered taking a few select mice home with me to my dorm, and stealing some gruel from the lab to feed them, but since there was a strict no-pets policy in the dorms, I decided against it.

I estimate in the three months that I worked at the lab I gassed almost a thousand mice in the same five-gallon bucket. The Nazi’s killed almost six million Jews.

***
Today, mice are killed so that humans can live. Billions of mice around the country are gassed each day so that cures can be found for diseases such as Alzheimer’s. But I can’t do it anymore. Every time I gassed a new batch of mice, I remembered the graphic novel we read in high school titled 'Maus.' Each gassing reminded me of Mauschwitz, and a tear would weld up in my eye as I remembered my pet rat Copernicus who would sit on my shoulder who later died from pneumonia at the ripe old age of four. Better to leave the gassing to the real researchers, the future doctors and surgeons of America. I’d rather write about my experiences as a survivor of the mouse colony concentration camps.


{Peace}

John

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Is There Anybody Out There?

I've only been doing this blog thing for about a month now, but already I'm starting to get concerned. I don't think anyone is reading this. Blogger is supposed to be the internet springboard for launching my writing career, but it can't be if people don't read my blog. Maybe someone out there in cyberspace is reading this right now. If so, drop me a line or a comment. Please?

I'm sure it's a little intimidating to read someone's new blog and be the first one to post a comment, especially if you don't feel you have anything important to add. All I ask from you is a "lol" here or there, or an "atta boy, keep up the good work!" every now and then. Heck, I'd even take a "this blog sux" right now. At least it would mean that someone was reading this crap.

I asked one or two people at the Lob to read my blog, but I don't want to seem desperate by bugging everyone there all the time--hell, we've got work to do. "Did you read it? Didja? Which one did you like? All of them??? Great! Guess what? I'm turning in my two weeks notice because I'm gonna be on Oprah next month to advertise my memoir for her book club..." and other imagined conversations go through my head while I push buttons on the microwave and put plates in the window. It's a shame I hardly ever really talk to anyone there.

Jeff, from work, told me I should spam a bunch of message boards with things such as: "LOOKING FOR THE NEW AGE FOLK??!? CHECK IT OUT AT HTTP://NEWAGEFOLK.BLOGSPOT.COM!!!," but I'm not that desperate yet. It's only been a month since I started. And really, isn't the true test of how great a writer I am is by how many hits I get? I'm sure one day I will wake up and there will be a million hits and my blog will be featured on Blogger, or something. And then I'll get a call from Oprah's assistant saying "We'd love to have you on our show! You absolutely must come to Chicago, don't worry, we'll pay for everything! When can we expect you?" And then I will be listened to. Then I will have an audience to talk to.

I keep telling myself I'm only 27. My time will come. I have to keep working on my blog since it's the only thing keeping me from going insane working as a line cook at a record-breaking seafood restaurant here in Iowa. There's a reason
[ed.- Because 'This blog sux!!!'] I'm still working at the Lob fantasizing about the future, but my time will come. My time will come. Surely I'm not just another brick in the wall.

Peace.

I can't come to work today...I have March Madness


I tried to get out of work the other day by telling my Culinary Manager, Petra that I was suffering from March Madness and I needed to go home. Coming from me, I hoped she would say "March Madness? What's that?" and sent me home before I infected other co-workers. She didn't send me home. But truth be told, I could care less about basketball--it was just a nice spring afternoon and I wanted to get out and take some pictures, do some MS Paint drawings and drink beer:


More to come later. Look at me. I'm clearly suffering from March Madness. There is definitely something wrong with me. Petra, I need to go home.


Peace.

Monday, March 19, 2007

I <3 www.icanhascheezburger.com

Here are some of my favorite images from I Can Has Cheeseburger? BTW, did I mention I drew the drawing for their About ichc page?

This guy looks just like Stranger Ranger (Holly's cat)




They aren't all lolcats. Some are lolracoons.

Or lolhamsters. This little guy is called the World Peace Hamster by some. Awww...He's so cute I think I'll sell all my guns.


Do you has a flavor? I do: Old Spice.

Sorry, I didn't know you were uh, oh....ummm....oops. I'll be sure to knock next time.

Don't worry, kitteh is not really ded. Just playin'.


And finally, edited for work since this is the only image on the site with profanity, but probably the funniest:


Have a better day, now.

Peace.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Gang Alert: How to Spot Members of the Orange Hat Gang (OHG)


GANGS – “Let’s Cut to the Chase”

  • Gangs are present in all 50 states and territories and have become International. Specific gangs (i.e. Bloods, Crips, 18th Street Sureno13, OHG, etc.) which were present only in California, and other western states have made a steady migration east the last 10 -15 years and have or are gaining a foothold in the Midwest and South.
  • Gang population actually declined in the late 1990’s but after the World Trade Center tragedy of 9/11 (2001), as police departments shifted focus towards terrorism, and officers were pulled from gang details, gang populations started to increase. Estimates are from between 750,00 to 850,000 gang members.
  • Gangs are not confined to urban areas. They are present in small towns, mid-size communities, and suburban areas. Gang activity is present in all geographic areas of Iowa.
  • Youth are joining gangs at a younger age and remaining longer. Gang membership may exist between the ages of 6 and 60. Gang membership crosses all socioeconomic, racial, and gender lines. Female gangs account for 5-10% of the total gang population. Because female gang members believe they must prove to their male counterparts, they will also use extreme violence against other female gangs and in some rare instances, against male gangs.

(from http://www.19thcircuitcourt.state.il.us/bkshelf/gangalrt/gangalrt.htm)



WHAT IS A GANG?

A youth gang is defined as adolescents and young adults who interact frequently and are deliberately involved in illegal activities, share a common identity (often expressed through a gang name), adopt certain symbols and/or claim control over certain "turf".

WHO JOINS THE GANG AND WHY?

No one is immune to becoming a gang member although gang members come from every type of background, there are certain factors that may increase the likelihood of gang involvement.

These factors are:
  • Peer pressure
  • Intimidation from gang members
  • Feeling of a lack of love and respect
  • Lack of close family relationship
  • Lack of discipline
  • Low income family
  • Low self-esteem
  • Single parent family
  • School dropout or truant (poor student)
  • Victim of abuse/neglect, parental abuse
  • Negative role models
  • No outside interest

Young people need positive role models, recognition, love and respect from their families and their communities. If their needs are not met in a constructive way, some will turn to the gangs to meet these needs.

MEASURES TO TAKE TOWARD A SOLUTION

Spend time with your children discussing this issue, ask for their suggestions and feelings. Let them know they are not alone. Encourage your children to stay in school; talk to the school and get the tutoring or counseling they need. We all come from different family circumstances and each situation will be different. If there has been open communication with your children as they grow - then they're probably discussing this with you. Point out positive alternatives to them. Offer to help them find something else that give them a sense of pride, a sense of belonging or a means to be recognized as someone of value as parents. By reaching out and joining together in parent support groups or neighborhood watch programs, we can reclaim the community for children.

(from http://www.ci.west-bend.wi.us/Departments/Police/GangInfo.htm)


WAYS TO SPOT MEMBERS OF THE ORANGE HAT GANG (OHG)

Some things to look for:
  • Orange Hat (may be a hardhat, or baseball cap, or sometimes camouflaged)
  • Orange Vest
  • Blue-collared shirt
  • Black or brown steel-toe work boots

CAUTION: Members of the OHG typically carry tools and weapons, so they should not be approached. Gang members are unusually hostile members of society.

Some Members of the OHG:

(click for larger image)



I just wanted to post this information in the hope that it might save someone's life someday. If I can save just one child from joining the OHG because he thinks it's "cool" then I will have succeeded. Even if I don't save that poor kid, I will have succeeded. I like to set the bar low.
--John

Peace.

Evidence I gathered against the Orange Hat Gang (OHG)

The following pictures were taken recently by me to demonstrate the wanton destruction of the Orange Hat Gang (OHG). Once I catch these criminals, I will submit this evidence to support my case against them in court. I'm currently working on a class-action lawsuit so others like me will not have to live with this noise and destruction going on in their own backyard.


Exhibit A: Here is a close-up of the graffito-tagged tree I mentioned in the previous post.


Exhibit B: This is one of their OHG camps that they set up when they are doing their 'work' on an area.


Exhibit C: I followed them one day to this place. This is one of their more upscale hideouts. Looks like some sort of meth lab to me. God only knows what harmful chemicals they're cooking up in there.


Exhibit D: They sure like to litter. I think that's one of their boots in the center. I should send it to the FBI and see if they can get a DNA sample from it.


Exhibit E: Here are some unmarked black buckets filled with mysterious harmful chemicals they left behind. I should call the bomb squad to get rid of them.


Exhibit F: They like to tear down trees, remove the bark, and re-plant them with secret communication devices like those shown in the center (I destroyed this device, but other OHG devices remain).


Exhibit G: They also like to remove stones and replace them with these "objects" that are perhaps used in some sort of OHG initiation ritual.


Exhibit H: I snuck into their camp late at night to snap this picture of their pimped out vehicles of destruction. Luckily the snow stopped their efforts, at least until it melted. Certainly the numbers on the side of the vehicle mean something? 312. Maybe the police should check it out.


Exhibit I: Here is one of their piles of dirt they created with their vehicles. You can see the fresh tire tracks in the mud from their joyriding.


Exhibit J: As you can see from this makeshift bulletin board, these men are well-organized and well-compensated for their actions. Unfortunately, as you can see from the "It's the Law" poster, the OHG is trying to pose as a legitimate business. The corrupt law may already be on their side.


Exhibit K: I've been following the OHG ever since my photography teacher in college (Margaret Stratton) urged us to do an assignment on urban development in 1999. As you can see, I've been tracking them for a long time (Note: I got an A in that class. I'm a good student, unlike OHG members).

Exhibit L: Here is another image from the same time period. Note the possible connection to Bush.


Exhibit M: And finally, "Stop." Yes, certainly someone should stop this wanton destruction.



God, I hope this is enough evidence to convict these slippery bastards. Like the mafia, the Orange Hat Gang is well-connected. I wouldn't be surprised if the OHG goes all the way to the top. President George W. Bush probably knows all about them and is keeping quiet. They probably pay his salary. Who knows, maybe the gang is so big, that they even single-handedly voted Bush into office so they could keep a man on the inside. Nah, who am I kidding. I may be crazy for exposing the OHG and saying all this, but even a blue-collared group of shmucks wouldn't be dumb enough to vote for Bush, would they? God, perhaps this gang is more evil than I thought...

Peace.

(ed.-Just for fun...Exhibit N: John Nauman. I'm just an artist. I don't have any real answers, any solutions to this destruction. My job is only to hold the mirror up to society and show us our own ugly face...)

Some gang marked this tree for death...


See that white spray paint on the bottom of that tree? A few weeks ago, a gang of young men, probably four or five of them, came by my area and graffito-tagged about a half-dozen trees in my backyard. I didn't get their names, but they were wearing bright orange-colored vests and similar-colored hats. They've been tearing up my neighborhood for weeks now, but I haven't been able to catch them.

I looked on the internet to see what this particular symbol, a white 'X' as it's called by this particular gang, meant. I remember seeing a tattoo of a teardrop on a customer when I worked at HandiMart, and the internet told me it meant that this particular gang member had killed someone. The internet informed me that this so-called "X" bears a similar meaning--but it doesn't mean that this particular maple tree is a hardened criminal--it means it's marked for death by the Orange Hat Gang (OHG).

Five of the six trees that were tagged have been brutally murdered with chainsaws by the OHG. They hacked this guy up pretty good, and you can see they clean cut off one of his limbs, but they let him live. Perhaps it's a warning to the other trees from the OHG, I'm not sure. I never understood the seemingly random actions of this particular gang.

I've seen them before in my town, this gang. Like other gangs, the OHG pimp out there cars. But unlike other gangs who innocently paint flames on their cars and put hydraulics in them to make them bounce, the OHG likes to paint their cars orange and put hydraulic instruments of destruction on them best suited for tearing down forests and digging up dirt. They also like to tear up the streets and close off sidewalks too; taking out trees is just a hobby of theirs. I'm not sure who to write to about this gang, because at times I have seen the police help block off roads and sidewalks so these men can continue their wanton destruction. I suspect that the men in black are just a similar gang in cahoots with the men in orange. They won't rest until the earth is paved over in cement, it appears.

I still don't understand their feud with the trees, though. Trees don't usually fight back. Perhaps one ill-fated night a bolt of lightning struck a tree branch and killed a member of the OHG, and they harbor an arboreal vendetta because of it. But it wasn't the tree's fault it was struck by lightning. It's not like the tree could take shelter indoors during a lightning storm. It was the gang member's fault for seeking shelter under the tallest tree in a thunderstorm...everyone knows that's a dumb thing to do.

But these gang members never seemed too bright. I went to school with a few of them, and they were good kids for the most part. Most of them envisioned leading a successful and meaningful life, but they were eventually led to a crime-filled life of destruction, and so adorned the typical bright orange-colored hats and vests and joined the OHG in order to make ends meet.

I'm not sure if the Orange Hat Gang will return to take this tree's life. If they do, I might call the police. I'll let them know that the OHG is back, and up to their old tricks. Maybe they can catch the crooks in the act this time and teach these punks a lesson. It's about time someone put an end to this wanton destruction. Who's with me?

I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees.

Peace.

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

MySpace + MadSkillz in MS PAINT = VALIDATION (thanks www.icanhascheezburger.com!)


As you probably know from reading my last post, I have a myspace page now, and I need new cool friends. So I was browsing around myspace and stumbled on this page that had all kinds of cat pictures with absurd comments like "NO MOAR LAND BEFORE TIME SEKWELZ!" and I fell in love, so I had to draw something since I don't have a cat [ed.-but Holly does...hmmm...I must call her]. So....

I drawed that in MS PAINT. Took me a whole three minutes, or so. Just swish swish swish of the brush, fill paint bucket with different shades of gray, and add last minute text, and I was done. Then I uploades it to imageshack and put it in a comment for Happycat thanking him for the add on myspace.

And now if you go to his website and click on the About ichc link you will see my picture on the top! That's so cool! I'm part of an Internet phenomenon with my crappy drawing.

But the image is perfect for the site. Perfect for Tim and Eric, too...if they ever incorporated terribly awful MS Paint drawings in their show. So it just goes to show I need to get up off my fat ass and put my work out there in the right avenues for people to appreciate it. I know if I just went up to someone on the street and showed them my lame Happycat drawing, they wouldn't know if I was joking or serious, and would probably back away from me slowly. But here on the Internet, we know irony. We know when something is "soo koooll!!1!!" that it needs to remembered forever on some server's hard drive for all to see and make laugh.

Monday, March 5, 2007

Capital One is serving me papers


Some time today, or maybe tomorrow, I imagine a black Chevy suburban will pull up to my one bedroom apartment here at the Capri Lodge, and a man dressed in black will knock on my door.

“Sheriff’s department,” he will say. And then he will serve me papers from Capital One.

I’m not sure right now if I will open the door. If I’m home I guess I will. I mean, isn’t it a crime to not answer the door when the police come calling? I’ve committed no crimes up to this point [ed.-Being poor, young, and stupid it not a crime—yet.], I don’t want my natural anxiety and paranoia to get me in even more trouble than I am already in. It’s time for me to open the door, and face my fears.

“Hello, Officer. What seems to be the problem?” I might say, acting innocent. I’m tipped off to this encounter with the Coralville Police Department by my mother, who called me Sunday morning at nine am to tell me the Sheriff’s Department in Dubuque had already visited. Her first call, and her second and third, I ignored and continued to sleep—I had a full forty minutes before my alarm was supposed to go off to wake me for work. But by the forth call, I knew my mom was more serious than usual. I could tell by the ring that somebody had died.

But they hadn’t. Everything was fine. “Hello…Are you ok, Jonathan?,” my mom asked me, as I rubbed my eyes and tried to acclimate them to the light. “Uhh…yeah, I’m fine….,” I said. “Were you sleeping? Oh, sorry to wake you. But you know what, the Sheriff’s Department was just here looking for you…” She paused to gauge my reaction and to anticipate a last-minute confession. “No, Mom, the gun wasn’t mine! I didn’t sell that coke to that kid! I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout no dead prostitute!” my sleep-addled mind wrestled with what crime had been discovered for which I had been accused. I received a call from my sister Holly a few days earlier telling me that she was accused of a hit-and-run in a blue Chevy pickup in Decorah, Iowa on the fifteenth. Despite the fact that Holly neither lives in Decorah, nor owns a blue Chevy pickup, and her timecard from Ripples Diner in Riverside states that she was clocked in at the time of the alleged accident, the police persisted because “Holly Kelly” looks so much like “Holly Kelley.” No one had bothered to double check the names. It was a simple case of mistaken identity.

It’s a shame I can’t use that excuse with my Capital One debt. I know and they know I owe them thirteen-hundred dollars. I planned on paying it back, but it’s been almost ten years now, I figured I could wait a little longer. I barely have money for rent and I can’t afford a car so I take the bus. My credit is terrible. My student loans are in default and my wages are going to be garnished soon. So Capital One serving me papers is the least of my worries here at the Capri Lodge.

“Make sure you go to court, Jonathan. If you don’t, the judge is just going to think you’re another one of those kids who doesn’t care—” “—I don’t care,” I interrupt. “I know, but if you don’t go to court and they default the judgment, you’re probably going to have to pay a fine, or interest, or something,” she reminds me. “What are a couple more hundred bucks? I don’t plan on buying a car or a house any time soon, so what do I care?” I say.

Right now I just want to get it over with. I hate waiting here for the Sheriff or whoever to serve me papers. I just want to make it quick. Open the door. Take the papers. Sign whatever I have to. 'Good day, sir or madam.' And then I can drink. It’s my day off, for chrissakes. It’s almost six in the evening, and I have tomorrow off too. I should be drunk by now. God, I hate my life sometimes.

Life sucks. Work sucks. This past weekend we broke a new Red Lobster record for most guests served. Eleven-hundred and thirty-some odd people came in to the Coralville Red Lobster and I fed them all from eleven-thirty in the morning to eleven at night without a break. When the restaurant is busy, everyone who comes in gets to eat, but those who work there don’t. These are the sacrifices that come with the immense responsibility of pushing buttons on a microwave and putting plates in the window to feed starving guests. You have to put aside your needs for the greater good; you have to go hours with a full bladder and an empty stomach. All for the fantastic rate of nine dollars an hour, thirty or so odd hours a week. The hours vary day by day, depending on how busy we are. Last Saturday I worked almost twelve hours straight, but the Saturday before that we experienced a February blizzard that caused the restaurant to close three hours early. I think I got a full eight hours that day because I volunteered to stay on until close. But most weekdays I come in at five and leave a little after eight with everyone else on the line. With two weekdays off each week (it’s nearly impossible unless you request time off to not work a Friday, Saturday, or Sunday) I average a little less than thirty hours a week. At nine dollars an hour, after taxes that adds up to less than a thousand dollars a month. I live paycheck to paycheck—I can’t afford to pay Capital One over one month’s pay.

I’m open with my financial situation because I really don’t care anymore. I don’t care who knows I’m in debt. Maybe I’ll be in debt the rest of my life, maybe I won’t. I recently read an MSN Money article on ‘being poor and loving it’ while checking my Hotmail account, and it said you have to live life to the fullest while living within your means. The article stated, in my own words, I should cherish that six pack in my quaint apartment, because I can’t afford to go out and have fun with friends from work. Saturday I made probably eighty bucks after taxes, and Joe, one of the servers walked out with over three hundred in his pocket. God, I should be a server. Damn my social anxiety…

I’ll probably never get a car or a house, and I’ll probably never get out of debt. Or my writing will finally take off, and with my first big book deal I’ll pay off my debtors. I’m going all-or-none in this thing I like to call life. I like to think it makes me daring, but I’m only playing Russian roulette with blanks. I like to think at my ripe old age of twenty seven that I know more than my mom. ‘I’ve seen things that would make her head spin working at Red Lobster, she doesn’t know what trouble I’ve seen, she’s not me, she hasn’t lived my life, I’m going to be famous someday, then she’ll see you can follow your dreams and don’t have to get stuck working at a bank the rest of your life!’ and more clichéd tripe [ed.—Clichéd tripe, sounds like a new species of fish at Red Lobster… “Tonight’s fresh fish are tilapia, salmon, rainbow trout, and clichéd tripe…” the servers will tell our guests next month in order to make that essential guest connection to keep our customers coming back in record numbers…God I need a better life. February has sucked balls.] I tell myself when I listen to her nag at me on the phone. But what come out when I get my chance to speak are monosyllabic grunts of acknowledgement. “You’re going to answer the door when the police come knocking, Jonathan, aren’t you,” my mom says. “Ugh...” I say uncommitted. “Come on, Jonathan, you HAVE to appear in court. Maybe you can work something out…” “Mehsh…” I say. And ‘buh’ I say to Capital One. Hrmpf to my debt. I don’t even care enough to use words or complete sentences anymore. Life has beaten me down. Ok, fine: Mom, the Po-Po, Capital One, you’ve all won! I surrender. Let’s get this thing over with so I can go back to drinking. I have to work a double tomorrow. Gotta go make that money for the man. [ed.-Maybe I won’t answer the door. I haven’t eaten all day so I’m going to walk down to Hardee's and get myself a thickburger combo. They’ll probably just send the papers in the mail like they do with my student loan crap…]


THE END

Disclaimer: It appears to me I might appear to be a typical tortured alcoholic writer. That is because I am. I’m a booze-addled man-child trying to speak out for my generation. And my generation likes Jager. I’m just the vehicle for the collective subconscious, and booze is my muse’s fuel. I can’t help it. I have a disease. A DISEASE. Yes, I am told, alcoholism is a disease. Like AIDS or something, only cooler. You don’t die as fast and you get to have fun drinking. There, are you confused yet? Am I an alcoholic writer or just a drunken deadbeat who needs to grow up? You decide, America. You decide. I’ve given up trying to decide who I want to be. The scary thing is I wrote this whole thing completely sober.

Yeah, I know. I’m surprised too.


Mmmm...that burger was good. I feel better now.

Peace, Capital One.