I Had too Much to Dream (Last Night) / "I almost slept with Helen of Troy"

That last dream was so fun, I think I'll do another. Kinda like a deleted scene on a dvd, or a double dip. So here we go, from the same notebook:

Date: Sunday March 31, 2003
Title: “Hell and of Troy”
Location: My apartment

I dreamt that I was a Dominos delivery guy who was delivering three pizzas to an apartment building. When I rang the door, I offered the pizzas to a heavy-set man who answered. But when the man pulled the pizzas out of the red pizza warmer, he tilted them upside down, making all the toppings stick to the top of the box and ruining the pizzas. The man was furious, and refused to pay for the pizzas, even though it was his fault. When I looked again at the man standing in the doorway, I realized he was Satan, although he still appeared to be a normal middle-aged man. I told the Devil he could have the pizzas for free, if he would make a deal with me: he would have to let me sleep with the most beautiful woman in Hell.

I wrote up the contract, and contacted several lawyers I knew in order to make it legit so I couldn’t be trapped in some lousy loophole by the Devil. I wasn’t going to fall for the old “be careful what you wish for” bullshit. I was a little worried since I felt the lawyers were, by nature of their profession, already on Satan’s side. I also asked the Devil to pardon my sin of premarital sex that was about to occur, but he said it wasn’t his place to do that sort of thing, and told me to talk to God about that.

We signed the agreement in blood, a fiery downward spiral opened up on the ground, and I fell down it to Hell. But once I was in Hell, my task wasn’t so easy. Satan refused to tell me who the most beautiful woman in Hell was—I had to figure that out for myself. To make matters worse, Satan said if I made the wrong decision it would nullify the contract and I would be trapped in Hell forever. I decided to round up the few women that were around me, and carefully ranked them in order of appearance. However, the most attractive woman in the group certainly wasn’t the most attractive woman I could imagine in all of my dreams. I then realized I was in fact in a dream, and proceeded to conjure up the woman of my dreams. But it wasn’t so easy. The more I tried to conjure the woman of utmost beauty naked in front of me, the more I slipped out of the dream state. I knew that if I woke up, the deal would be off. Heck, I might even wake up in Hell if I wasn’t careful. So that route wouldn’t work.

Then I began to think of what I read in high school in my world literature class. I thought of Dante’s descent through Hell and all the other stuff we read about Greek mythology. And then it hit me. The most beautiful woman in Hell must be Helen of Troy! It made since: the similarity of the words (Hell= Helen) and the fact that she was most beautiful woman in the world in Greek mythology. But the fact occurred to me that Greek mythology was just that—a silly myth. Certainly Helen of Troy couldn’t exist, and certainly if she did she would be on top of Mt. Olympus with Zeus, not in Hell.

But then I suddenly thought of what Christianity said about false prophets--that they were evil, and led people away from the one true God. So certainly Greek mythology was a tool of the Devil, and therefore Zeus and all the gods were false prophets along with Helen of Troy. So she must exist and she must therefore exist in Hell as well. Problem almost solved, I asked the women to raise there hands if they knew a woman in Hell more attractive than Helen of Troy. Two women raised their hands. I then restated the question: “Do any of you know of a woman, other than yourself, in Hell who is more attractive than Helen of Troy?” None of them raised their hands, so I knew I was on the right track. I wandered through Hell and finally met up with Helen. She had radiant long red hair which was braided and tied up with a magnificent gold hairpiece. She had matching gold bracelets and a beautiful long white toga-like dress and sandals. I knew it had to be her. But as I approached her and embraced her in a kiss, the dream faded away, and I woke up in a cold sweat. I never got my chance with the most beautiful woman in Hell, and had to settle with trying to find the most beautiful woman in the real world to sleep with instead.

Hope you enjoyed it. I think I'll have to get my own show like Sarah Silverman some day, then I can turn this dream into reality. Hey Sarah--give me a call.

Peace out.