Mom, 12-27-2001 (former college dropout)Really baring my soul here online for all to see, but whatever. It's all gold. This one's an AIM conversation I had with my mom right before I dropped out of school in March, 2001, almost six years ago.
AIM Conversation, March 18, 2001
SunnyUhOh (9:24:18 PM): hye!Jnauman7 (9:24:37 PM): hello
SunnyUhOh (9:24:44 PM): where have you been?
Jnauman7 (9:24:51 PM): here
Jnauman7 (9:24:55 PM): in Iowa City
SunnyUhOh (9:24:57 PM): haven't seen you online
Jnauman7 (9:25:00 PM): oh
SunnyUhOh (9:25:07 PM): howz come?
Jnauman7 (9:25:10 PM): I don't use AIM much any more
SunnyUhOh (9:25:46 PM): why not? trying not to talk to anyone?
Jnauman7 (9:25:57 PM): sorta
SunnyUhOh (9:26:02 PM): why?
Jnauman7 (9:26:12 PM): only people I talk to online are my family
Jnauman7 (9:26:21 PM): and that gets boring
SunnyUhOh (9:26:25 PM): avoiding your family?
Jnauman7 (9:26:30 PM): a little
SunnyUhOh (9:26:35 PM): why?
Jnauman7 (9:26:38 PM): I dunno
SunnyUhOh (9:26:57 PM): what's going on, Jonathan. you in trouble?
Jnauman7 (9:27:12 PM): not really
SunnyUhOh (9:27:31 PM): not really . . .???
Jnauman7 (9:27:40 PM): ?
SunnyUhOh (9:27:48 PM): out with it.
Jnauman7 (9:27:55 PM): what?
SunnyUhOh (9:28:01 PM): what's wrong?
Jnauman7 (9:28:17 PM): I need to drop out of school
SunnyUhOh (9:28:25 PM): are you depressed? what???
SunnyUhOh (9:28:31 PM): uh oh. what happened?
Jnauman7 (9:28:37 PM): I need to withdraw this semester
SunnyUhOh (9:28:43 PM): why????
SunnyUhOh (9:28:50 PM): ohmygawd
Jnauman7 (9:28:57 PM): 'cuz my grades are terrible and I have no motivation to do any better
SunnyUhOh (9:29:04 PM): uh oh
SunnyUhOh (9:29:19 PM): well, what would you do if you were out of school?
SunnyUhOh (9:29:23 PM): go home to DBQ?
SunnyUhOh (9:29:27 PM): and watch tv?
Jnauman7 (9:29:29 PM): no, live with Joy
Jnauman7 (9:29:38 PM): and get a job at Copyworks or Technigraphics
SunnyUhOh (9:29:40 PM): and pay your rent with . . .?
Jnauman7 (9:29:43 PM): in Coralville
SunnyUhOh (9:29:59 PM): why are your grades terrible . .how terrible?
Jnauman7 (9:30:00 PM): or, if I had to, I could work as a server at Charlie's
SunnyUhOh (9:30:07 PM): what happened to make you feel like this?
SunnyUhOh (9:30:09 PM): Joy?
SunnyUhOh (9:30:13 PM): uh, yeah.
SunnyUhOh (9:30:17 PM): Charlies. right.
Jnauman7 (9:30:23 PM): if I had to
SunnyUhOh (9:30:29 PM): yeah.
SunnyUhOh (9:30:34 PM): what happened?
Jnauman7 (9:30:34 PM): 'cuz I'm sick of school
SunnyUhOh (9:30:46 PM): most people get sick of school at one point or another
Jnauman7 (9:30:48 PM): I have 111 credits, and I could've graduated this semester
SunnyUhOh (9:30:51 PM): you're almost done!
SunnyUhOh (9:30:54 PM): yea!
Jnauman7 (9:31:07 PM): and I want to apply to grad school in art, but I don't have anything to show
Jnauman7 (9:31:10 PM): no portfolio
SunnyUhOh (9:31:13 PM): so why don't you just stick it out then?
SunnyUhOh (9:31:20 PM): what about all your projects?
Jnauman7 (9:31:28 PM): and all we do in my art classes is do the TA's assignments
Jnauman7 (9:31:33 PM): we never get to do our own stuff
SunnyUhOh (9:31:37 PM): so? can't you use those?
Jnauman7 (9:31:41 PM): not really
SunnyUhOh (9:31:49 PM): can't you do your own stuff in your spare time? you've got plenty!
SunnyUhOh (9:31:56 PM): apply for a grant, then.
Jnauman7 (9:32:00 PM): not when I have classes to do
Jnauman7 (9:32:07 PM): and stupid assignments to do
SunnyUhOh (9:32:10 PM): don't give up yet!
SunnyUhOh (9:32:34 PM): how bad are the grades?
Jnauman7 (9:32:55 PM): grad schools don't want to see "make a transformed object out of wax" or "make a mask that symbolizes positive and negative"
Jnauman7 (9:33:01 PM): C's at best
SunnyUhOh (9:33:05 PM): ewww.
SunnyUhOh (9:33:17 PM): what have you been doing, then? I mean, instead of your classwork.
Jnauman7 (9:33:20 PM): I haven't done anything for my color photography class
SunnyUhOh (9:33:26 PM): why not?
Jnauman7 (9:33:43 PM): 'cuz we are supposed to decide on a semester project
SunnyUhOh (9:33:47 PM): and?
Jnauman7 (9:33:49 PM): and I haven't decided what to do yet
SunnyUhOh (9:33:56 PM): well, think of something.
Jnauman7 (9:34:00 PM): ....sure
SunnyUhOh (9:34:02 PM): do something dumb, they'll love it
Jnauman7 (9:34:08 PM): it won't work
SunnyUhOh (9:34:22 PM): geez, you sound depressed.
Jnauman7 (9:34:25 PM): and I really don't want to take the class anyway
SunnyUhOh (9:34:25 PM): I'm scared.
SunnyUhOh (9:35:31 PM): well, yeah. sometimes you have to follow directions. it's all part of the game.
Jnauman7 (9:35:40 PM): but I'm tired of playing it
SunnyUhOh (9:35:44 PM): I know.
SunnyUhOh (9:35:47 PM): me too.
SunnyUhOh (9:35:52 PM): but . . . we have to .
Jnauman7 (9:35:54 PM): it's not getting me anywhere
SunnyUhOh (9:36:05 PM): it will, though. eventually.
Jnauman7 (9:36:18 PM): if I play by their rules, I have nothing to show to get into grad school
SunnyUhOh (9:36:26 PM): hmmm.
Jnauman7 (9:36:31 PM): that's my whole point
SunnyUhOh (9:36:37 PM): who can you talk to about this?
SunnyUhOh (9:36:45 PM): can't you talk to one of your art teachers?
SunnyUhOh (9:37:48 PM): nobody really cares if you learn anything. they care that you did it.
SunnyUhOh (9:37:54 PM): employers, I mean.
Jnauman7 (9:38:03 PM): well, then I'll just get my degree in psych then
Jnauman7 (9:38:08 PM): I only need 3-4 classes
SunnyUhOh (9:38:13 PM): then do that.
Jnauman7 (9:38:19 PM): but I don't want to
SunnyUhOh (9:38:25 PM): what happened to your idea of going to Carnegie melon?
Jnauman7 (9:38:32 PM): I still want to go there
SunnyUhOh (9:38:40 PM): well, then that's your goal.
Jnauman7 (9:38:44 PM): but I need 25 slides to show them and an artists statement
SunnyUhOh (9:39:01 PM): and you have to do dumb stuff to attain your goals. always, it's a rule.
SunnyUhOh (9:39:06 PM): go there for psych then
Jnauman7 (9:39:08 PM): and I have nothing to show that reflects who I am, or what I want to do with my art
Jnauman7 (9:39:34 PM): except a handful of assignments and 2-3 sketchbooks full of ideas
SunnyUhOh (9:39:35 PM): then write a thesis about it, and why you aren't able to express yourself in your classes, that's why you want to go to carnegie melon
Jnauman7 (9:39:56 PM): right--'why I dropped out of school'
SunnyUhOh (9:39:57 PM): well, that oughta get you a grant, your IDEAS . . . shouldn't it?
SunnyUhOh (9:40:06 PM): DON'T drop out
Jnauman7 (9:40:13 PM): it's more effective that way
SunnyUhOh (9:40:24 PM): the busier you are, the more you get done.
SunnyUhOh (9:40:29 PM): what's more effective?
Jnauman7 (9:40:30 PM): I'll come back, I just need some time off
SunnyUhOh (9:40:38 PM): take the summer off
Jnauman7 (9:40:38 PM): to drop, and come back
Jnauman7 (9:40:41 PM): I am
Jnauman7 (9:41:05 PM): it's too late
SunnyUhOh (9:41:07 PM): yes
SunnyUhOh (9:41:11 PM): too late for what?
Jnauman7 (9:41:15 PM): to get my grades up
SunnyUhOh (9:41:19 PM): why?
Jnauman7 (9:41:43 PM): 'cuz I have a 2000 word paper due Wed.
SunnyUhOh (9:41:45 PM): I betcha if you talk to your instructors, they'll give you a second chance. Extra credit work or something.
Jnauman7 (9:41:48 PM): I just found that out today
SunnyUhOh (9:41:50 PM): so? you can write that
SunnyUhOh (9:41:57 PM): how come you just found that out today?
Jnauman7 (9:41:58 PM): no one gives extra credit anymore
SunnyUhOh (9:42:02 PM): haven't you been going to class?
SunnyUhOh (9:42:12 PM): how do you know? you need to talk to the instructors!
Jnauman7 (9:42:15 PM): 'cuz I haven't been to class in over 3 weeks, and just now looked at the syllabus
SunnyUhOh (9:42:34 PM): they've probably all been through this themselves. especially your psych guy, prof guppy.
SunnyUhOh (9:42:41 PM): THREE WEEKS????
SunnyUhOh (9:42:51 PM): what have you been doing??????
Jnauman7 (9:42:51 PM): I have't talked to him recently--missed the last 2 meetings
SunnyUhOh (9:42:57 PM): JONATHAN!
Jnauman7 (9:42:59 PM): sleeping and playing computer games
SunnyUhOh (9:43:08 PM): uh oh. sounds like major depression.
Jnauman7 (9:43:14 PM): probably
SunnyUhOh (9:43:20 PM): get some help1
SunnyUhOh (9:43:25 PM): call prof guppy
Jnauman7 (9:43:29 PM): I already know what the problem is
SunnyUhOh (9:43:32 PM): what?
Jnauman7 (9:43:43 PM): he doesn't know anything about clinical psych
SunnyUhOh (9:43:53 PM): so? he's probably had burn out before.
SunnyUhOh (9:43:57 PM): what's the problem?
Jnauman7 (9:44:01 PM): I don't feel motivated because I don't feel like I can do what I want to do
Jnauman7 (9:44:12 PM): like school is holding me back
SunnyUhOh (9:44:13 PM): what do you want to do?
Jnauman7 (9:44:30 PM): I want to get my ideas out of paper and into the world
Jnauman7 (9:44:43 PM): and have stuff to show, not just sketchbooks
SunnyUhOh (9:44:54 PM): I know, I know. believe me, I know what you mean, but school is one of the rocks in the road that you have to climb over.
SunnyUhOh (9:45:01 PM): but, doing the stuff costs money.
SunnyUhOh (9:48:22 PM): if you get a job, you won't have time to do your stuff.
Jnauman7 (9:48:27 PM): ok...I'm ready to break teh rules now
Jnauman7 (9:48:32 PM): maybe
SunnyUhOh (9:48:33 PM): or the money, b/c it will take all you get to stay alive.
Jnauman7 (9:48:36 PM): but we'll see
SunnyUhOh (9:49:01 PM): you can't break the rules until you've learned from them. and you haven't done that yet.
SunnyUhOh (9:49:11 PM): you're just burning out.
Jnauman7 (9:49:12 PM): why not?
SunnyUhOh (9:49:18 PM): sigh
Jnauman7 (9:49:18 PM): what else is there to learn?
SunnyUhOh (9:49:21 PM): TONS
SunnyUhOh (9:49:28 PM): especially in the REAL world
Jnauman7 (9:49:31 PM): I know how to write A papers, and get A;s in critiques
SunnyUhOh (9:49:34 PM): where you are headed.
Jnauman7 (9:49:38 PM): well, good
Jnauman7 (9:49:42 PM): that's what I want to learn
SunnyUhOh (9:49:44 PM): so? what's wrong with that
Jnauman7 (9:49:48 PM): I want to get into the real world
SunnyUhOh (9:49:56 PM): well, it's your life.
Jnauman7 (9:50:00 PM): ok
SunnyUhOh (9:50:05 PM): there's no safety net, sorry.
Jnauman7 (9:50:08 PM): that's fine
Jnauman7 (9:50:16 PM): I've had too many safety nets
SunnyUhOh (9:50:16 PM): have you talked to Jacob about this?
Jnauman7 (9:50:19 PM): no
Jnauman7 (9:50:25 PM): I've talked to Joy though
SunnyUhOh (9:50:28 PM): he went through a similar thing
Jnauman7 (9:50:31 PM): oh
SunnyUhOh (9:50:37 PM): and? see the trouble she got into?
Jnauman7 (9:50:49 PM): she knows why she's going back, though
SunnyUhOh (9:50:58 PM): can you take a light load? maybe? and spend more time at a job and doing what you want?
SunnyUhOh (9:51:14 PM): yeah, but truthfully, she probably wont' end up using her major.
Jnauman7 (9:51:24 PM): well, yeah
SunnyUhOh (9:51:53 PM): so . . . what's the difference? she's just emotionally scarred and finacially ruined.
SunnyUhOh (9:52:00 PM): a lot of good it did her.
Jnauman7 (9:52:05 PM): for what??
Jnauman7 (9:52:09 PM): dropping out of school?
SunnyUhOh (9:52:13 PM): uh huh
Jnauman7 (9:52:20 PM): I doubt it
SunnyUhOh (9:52:26 PM): doubt what?
Jnauman7 (9:52:28 PM): she says it was the best thing she did
SunnyUhOh (9:52:35 PM): yeah, and the scariest
SunnyUhOh (9:52:50 PM): you're not JOy, you're different
Jnauman7 (9:52:50 PM): what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger
SunnyUhOh (9:52:55 PM): whatever.
SunnyUhOh (9:52:58 PM): it's your life.
SunnyUhOh (9:53:07 PM): and you have NO experience with work.
SunnyUhOh (9:53:15 PM): good luck getting a job at Hardee's.
Jnauman7 (9:53:22 PM): I know, so maybe I won't end up ruined like her
SunnyUhOh (9:53:37 PM): uh, I think you're already headed down that road . . .
SunnyUhOh (9:53:43 PM): financially, I mean.
SunnyUhOh (9:53:51 PM): your loans will kick in in six months . . .
Jnauman7 (9:53:53 PM): I've worked at Sfikas, with dad for 4 years, in the med labs, and 1 year in an internship
SunnyUhOh (9:54:02 PM): you already are in trouble for your credit card . . .
Jnauman7 (9:54:07 PM): and I've taken notes online
SunnyUhOh (9:54:10 PM): so can you get a job at the University then?
Jnauman7 (9:54:21 PM): I thought about being a research assistant
SunnyUhOh (9:54:27 PM): well, that's an idea!
SunnyUhOh (9:54:34 PM): a GOOD idea!
Jnauman7 (9:54:41 PM): ok
SunnyUhOh (9:54:56 PM): at least at the University you can find people who know how to talk and stuff.
SunnyUhOh (9:55:14 PM): and know words with more than 2 syllables.
Jnauman7 (9:55:17 PM): but I kinda want to get into the real world
SunnyUhOh (9:55:26 PM): yeah, you need to do that, too
Jnauman7 (9:55:36 PM): while I can
SunnyUhOh (9:55:47 PM): so maybe you can do a reasearch assistand job plus a job at copyworks
SunnyUhOh (9:56:10 PM): you can probably get a loan for a car . . .wait. well, when you get your credit card problem fixed.
SunnyUhOh (9:56:21 PM): but first, you need the job.
Jnauman7 (9:56:22 PM): well, I need to talk to Joy about that
Jnauman7 (9:56:24 PM): yeah
SunnyUhOh (9:56:28 PM): about what?
Jnauman7 (9:56:40 PM): she owes me money that I need to pay my credit card bill
SunnyUhOh (9:56:47 PM): how much?
Jnauman7 (9:56:58 PM): $200+
SunnyUhOh (9:57:02 PM): aaaargh. NEVER lend her money!
Jnauman7 (9:57:11 PM): she needed it for rent
SunnyUhOh (9:57:16 PM): I know . . .but.
Jnauman7 (9:57:29 PM): I should've let her live on the streets, I know
SunnyUhOh (9:57:50 PM): she needs to learn how to manage her money.
Jnauman7 (9:57:57 PM): ok
SunnyUhOh (9:58:05 PM): she coulda got it from grandma
Jnauman7 (9:58:19 PM): doubt it
Jnauman7 (9:58:26 PM): that's your answer to everything
SunnyUhOh (9:58:29 PM): why? all she has to do is ask.
Jnauman7 (9:58:41 PM): there's a little something called pride
SunnyUhOh (9:58:46 PM): I know.
SunnyUhOh (9:58:50 PM): I understand that.
SunnyUhOh (9:59:28 PM): sigh
SunnyUhOh (9:59:39 PM): so what are your immediate plans?
Jnauman7 (9:59:57 PM): I'm going to find out what I need to do to withdraw from my classes
Jnauman7 (10:00:08 PM): tomorrow I'm gonna call the registrar
SunnyUhOh (10:00:08 PM): who do you have to talk to? your advisor?
SunnyUhOh (10:00:19 PM): what happens to your financial aid then?
Jnauman7 (10:00:27 PM): I need to get a card and get it signed by financial aid and the registrar
Jnauman7 (10:00:36 PM): that's what I need to find out
SunnyUhOh (10:00:44 PM): then call them tomorrow
SunnyUhOh (10:03:23 PM): hmmm. can you ask guppy?
Jnauman7 (10:03:40 PM): I really don't want to work for him anymore
SunnyUhOh (10:03:41 PM): well, that's a start
SunnyUhOh (10:03:44 PM): why not?
Jnauman7 (10:03:46 PM): it's boring running experiments
SunnyUhOh (10:04:06 PM): uhhhhh . .. . isn't that what a research assistant does?
Jnauman7 (10:04:19 PM): well, but these experiments are pretty boring
SunnyUhOh (10:04:31 PM): everything gets boring eventually, jack.
Jnauman7 (10:04:43 PM): ok
Jnauman7 (10:04:50 PM): and then you change jobs
SunnyUhOh (10:04:52 PM): you gotta find your satisfaction outside of your work.
SunnyUhOh (10:05:02 PM): well, sorta
Jnauman7 (10:05:13 PM): 'till you find the right one
SunnyUhOh (10:05:15 PM): I know. I"m not a good example.
SunnyUhOh (10:05:20 PM): well, yeah
Jnauman7 (10:05:20 PM): the one that doesn't feel like a job
SunnyUhOh (10:05:28 PM): not sure it exists
Jnauman7 (10:05:44 PM): we'll see
SunnyUhOh (10:05:45 PM): you gotta find one that will allow you to grow and expand on it.
SunnyUhOh (10:06:01 PM): well, I'm gonna let you go for now.
Jnauman7 (10:06:10 PM): ok
SunnyUhOh (10:06:13 PM): If I don't see you on the tooter tomorrow, I'll be calling you.
SunnyUhOh (10:06:14 PM): ok?
Jnauman7 (10:06:18 PM): ok
SunnyUhOh (10:06:22 PM): you ok?
Jnauman7 (10:06:26 PM): yeah
SunnyUhOh (10:06:28 PM): sure?
Jnauman7 (10:06:31 PM): yes
SunnyUhOh (10:06:34 PM): ok.
SunnyUhOh (10:06:45 PM): I love you, kiddo. and I trust your judgement.
Jnauman7 (10:06:50 PM): ok
SunnyUhOh (10:07:09 PM): you'll make it. and you're right, it's time to get out of your shell
Jnauman7 (10:07:16 PM): I know
SunnyUhOh (10:07:19 PM): just be CAREful.
Jnauman7 (10:07:22 PM): I will
SunnyUhOh (10:07:30 PM): don't burn any bridges.
Jnauman7 (10:07:39 PM): I'm not sure what that means
SunnyUhOh (10:07:41 PM): be assertive
SunnyUhOh (10:08:03 PM): TAYL
Jnauman7 (10:08:39 PM): Bye.
SunnyUhOh (10:09:11 PM): BYE. TTFN :'(
I dropped out of college the next day, and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I used to have recurring dreams about being trapped in an undergrad class, taking a final exam that will be the magic ticket to an A and a degree if I can just fill in two bubbles with my #2 pencil...oh, wait, where's my pencil? In my pocket? Lemme check...oh GOD NO! I'M NOT WEARING ANY PANTS!!! And then my mom wakes me up and tells me it's time to get up and go to school. Well, those dreams are over, buddy.
Mom, I'm not going to school today. I'm dropping out. And I'm never going back. The real world is far more fun and educational than the University of Iowa, or any school for that matter. I'm working on my Ph'd in BS from the University of Life now. My thesis is on the working class male in his twenties. You can read it when it gets published.
Me and Professor Gupta, 2001Peace.
[ed.-seriously, though, I wuv my mommie! But I'm not going back to school.]
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